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happy new year and holidaze and all that jazz, but i'm not sure i have enough adventure in me for the both of us. "...that's what she said."

well, i'm back. six years later, and you're still inside my brain. i've thought about it, and it's no good that you're out there drinking too. i keep telling myself i'll get over it, but the truth is, i never understood love ... until i held you.

 

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29.OCT.2002
it hasn't even been three weeks yet and people are saying, "i miss you." i'm not gone, just out of paper. but a word to the wise: the beautiful smile hides a troubled soul.


09.OCT.2002
i think i'm getting saved a little more every day. what do you think?


02.OCT.2002
so i guess it wasn't love after all. the sparkle dies away.


30.SEP.2002
"is it me?" i asked her. maybe i look a little weird, but i think i ate a bug. anyway, as soon as we got that mess sorted out, i told her to close her eyes. "whatever you do," i told her, "just don't say 'is it for me?'" she didn't. she smiled wide and gave me a kiss.


18.SEP.2002
dolls are not your friends. don't let anyone tell you otherwise. they're all evil, every last one of them out to get you and turn us all into brainless piles of jello. and sally, she talks in her sleep, steals my blankets and wriggles, but i love her anyway. i don't know why, but i do. i will always stay here.


12.SEP.2002
i like bobby a lot. his smile lit up the room last night. and when he left, i wanted to leave too. but i couldn't. sally said, "it's your turn to be a butterfly." and so i asked her outright, "will you cocoon me?" she looked at me, took a deep breath and walked away.


11.SEP.2002
where are you?


06.SEP.2002
tonight was a gift. it was good for me, but i don't feel good; i feel better. it's more blue than orange. know what i mean?


04.SEP.2002
why do they hate me? i hate them too. at least when i see you smile, i don't feel like shit anymore. sorry about last night. i didn't know what else to do, so i found you. thanks for always being there. i love you too.


23.AUG.2002
she was right. they paved paradise and put up a parking lot.... *sigh*


22.AUG.2002
this weekend was tough. it ran long and it took all the strength i had not to fall apart. i was the little engine that could: "there's a trick to this somewhere, there's a trick to this somewhere...." and there is.


18.AUG.2002
what i said to her tonight:
"if you let the monk take care of you he'll never know where you've been."

what i was thinking:
"i wish i knew what you were thinking."

i think we were both confused.


15.AUG.2002
i sing this song for you alone. so don't call it nonsense. because it isn't. seriously, don't look at me like that.


14.AUG.2002
the word inside my mouth is red. the guy behind the counter had no idea what he was doing and took forever. "sally, i'll see you there." she went ahead without me. i waited twenty more minutes and finally got a refund. they served me my ice cream anyway.


13.AUG.2002
i'd like to find something new to do. but sometimes i wonder. hundred bucks says i end up going for a walk in the woods and not coming out for days. silence is golden.


12.AUG.2002
i've never tried this before.


09.AUG.2002
why do pickles make me happy? i have no idea. they're nice. and green. and delicious. it doesn't matter. there's no one here but us chickens.


07.AUG.2002
sometimes i think i will wake up from all my questions and see some big neon sign that reads ENLIGHTENMENT: NEXT RIGHT. but i don't. i keep listening to sally, hoping against reason. which, despite her promises, only proves to make life more miserable. and that's why you should never trust women.


06.AUG.2002
it's good to be home again. (for the first time.) but why does it hurt so bad? i'm happy, but it's hard. i'm smiling, but i cried this morning. maybe that's the point. i woke up. "count your horizons, son."


17.JUL.2002
hey. lookie. stan got very forgotful and forgot to mention that he'd be gone for three weeks. please come back in two weeks. muchos apologies. stan is moving to the far side of the continent and will be extremely busy in the process. please excuse his absence and be on the look out for him in the first week of august. he'll see you then.


09.JUL.2002
no matter what, i am normal.


08.JUL.2002
what if this is all there is? what if this is all we get? i mustn't be alone. i must do that rising to the occasion thing. keep hope and think well of the kinds of girls who say things like "i like yer head." that is what will keep me alive. (yes, yes, yes.)


01.JUL.2002
you know what? for the next fifteen days i'm supposed to discover myself. one of those geeky therapy assignments. how the heck am i supposed to "discover" myself? it's hard enough just to believe i'm here. so i'm missing myself today. and tomorrow. and for the next 14 days after that.


29.JUN.2002
carpe diem!


28.JUN.2002
life inside the thin cage isn't easy. it's an everyday battle for clarity and common sense. like the new kid down the street. he's moving tomorrow and we didn't even learn his name, but he will be missed... by a lot of people who wish him well. i wish i'd gotten to know him. he seemed like a good kid. but then again, you knew that.


25.JUN.2002
it only took me 30 seconds to make, but i think she'll like it. i mean, i hope she likes it. it's really artsy.


24.JUN.2002
the voices inside my head said "psst! you're beautiful!" and "i love you -- even from here."


22.JUN.2002
last night was lovely. good times were had by all. i, for one, am totally relieved. i got so much off my chest. there should be more nights like these. if we could just have one of these nights for every crappy, jipped, i-wish-i-was-never-born week, i think we'd all be a lot better off.


20.JUN.2002
i should've seen it coming. just when things start looking up, things start falling down. oh well, tomorrow's another day. though i suppose around this corner is just another corner. that's usually the way it goes.


17.JUN.2002
yesterday found me at the mouth of a little cave. i sat there for hours, taking in the quiet streams inside. i never actually went in, but it felt like i did. it felt like i disappeared forever. and on coming out i was quickly reminded of how much i don't like loud noises.


15.JUN.2002
as i hung there in the balance, in the hours before i fell, all i could hear from above was "we will update you every so often." regrettably, 'every so often' eventually broke both my legs in half. sorry for being away so long. doctors say i'm in perfect working order now, all legs intact again.


11.JUN.2002
stan broke his leg in a tragic falling accident yesterday. he expects to be back to his usual trouble just as soon as he's up to the task of connecting his dots again. (a couple of days?) thanks for stopping by. wish him well.


07.JUN.2002
i'm not myself today.


04.JUN.2002
"what's the word, ray?" that's what the kids are saying on the street these days. at least that's what i heard them saying when i woke up this morning. my clock was unusually loud: tick-tock. tick-tock. fortunately i woke up before it went off. i hate waking up to my alarm.


03.JUN.2002
after all these years of touch-and-go and i'm finally learning to dream. but what a trying process. very forgiving, and yet, so unforgiving in the outside world. so i mostly just keep to myself. and keep believing in what i believe in.


31.MAY.2002
stan has run out of paper. he needs to go to the store. however, stan would like to say, "wish me luck."


30.MAY.2002
i got out my paints today with the express purpose of making a card for mum's birthday. i guess things got a little out of control when, next thing i knew, i was painting my entire house with the leftovers. i thought the upstairs needed the renovation most. but it was too late when i discovered the truth. it's not a colour; it's a cage. and now i'm stuck. i had no idea.


29.MAY.2002
why can't i ever remember to use sunscreen? every year at the break of summer i sport these rashes because i don't have the good sense to pick up block from the store. this year's vacation is gonna kill me. i wish i was a fish so i could swim all day long.


25.MAY.2002
i waited and waited and it finally came. and now, saturday is forever.


22.MAY.2002
i always wake early for the paper. and no sooner had i left my front porch than it happened. it sat there, perching just inches above the morning ground with not the least bit of concern on its face. it looked at me, seemed to smile, then finished its work and hopped away. i was horrified when i discovered the secret of the kangaroo. i'd tell you all about it, but... wait... i just died a little. it's too horrible to tell. i'll try this story some other time. but not today. today is not the day.


21.MAY.2002
i found an old sycamore tree filled with little black squirrels today. i'd never seen little black squirrels before. so i climbed up to talk to them. and the headmaster bit me. i guess he was the headmaster. he was the only one doing the biting. but no hard feelings. he did what he had to. and i can't hold that against him really. even if i am missing a finger now.


20.MAY.2002
life is a bowl of cherries. or so i'm told. but i have an incurable skin disease that renders me unable to feel my fingers and toes. which worries me a lot. especially when sally says, before we're off to sleep, "don't let the bed bugs bite!" i think that just sucks.


17.MAY.2002
because of yesterday's goings-on, i am at quite an unusual place. have never been here before myself. but if word is getting out nicely to each of you and you have suggestions, please, tell me, where do i go from here?


16.MAY.2002
i thought it was spring when i finally woke up. there were lots of lights and heavy voices. all the walls were white and i couldn't feel my hands or feet. someone had apparently told me to go to hell.


15.MAY.2002
oops. i really did it this time.


14.MAY.2002
all i had to say to the waiter was "torture for two, please" and the night was set. we sat down to a very nice meal and it seemed like it was over before it had even begun.


13.MAY.2002
i am in my room now, still reeling from yesterday. i am considering birds and lilies. in the back of my mind is a fiery field, smokeless and quenched. my bed is a temple. everything is different. this moment contains all moments.


12.MAY.2002
ooo. ever have one of those days so great you've gotta gobble it up in huge bites without taking a breath because you know it'll be gone too soon? i wish today was one of those days.


09.MAY.2002
if this isn't the end of the innocence, i don't know what is. i can't wake up anymore without hearing something's wrong with the world. from my radio. my tv. my mum. nothing's right anymore. mum comes home complaining about the glass ceiling and i have no idea what in the world she is talking about.


07.MAY.2002
i still haven't gotten my report card back yet. it's been almost three weeks now. i hope i passed astronomy. there's nothing worse than coming home with all A's and an F and hearing mum say, "no more sugar for you, stan!" i hate it when she says that. seems like she's saying it all the time these days.


05.MAY.2002
i've thought about it and the glass is definitely half-full.

04.MAY.2002
anybody seen cecilia? and where's busy bee? i hate not knowing where everyone is. things together are things happy. i don't like broken things. like my life. it's falling apart. i'm not exactly making the grade anymore. people are starting to stare. i hate it when it gets like this. somebody throw me a rope. please.


03.MAY.2002
went to Sticklife Insurance this morning to apply for a life insurance policy. i don't smoke, have no medical history to speak of and, so, should be an ideal candidate for any policy. which begs to ask the question as to why in the world an application for insurance would ask me to state (in 5000 words or less) "why am i here?" i was there for an insurance policy, i thought. so that's what i wrote down. apparently, they didn't appreciate that too much. they turned me down citing that i was "too skinny for super-preferred." go figure.


02.MAY.2002
i bought a box of super-duper ultra-awesome powder today. it says on the label, though, that it is not for children 4 and under, domestic animals, venus flytraps or orangutans. apparently, they always come back for more. so i bought some just for me. but i'm betting i can eat just one. though i know better and should just do what the box says, you know?


01.MAY.2002
this is just another day on the roller coaster of love. but it's not the twists and turns that bother me as much as the slow creeping towards the inevitable fall. so i may just sit this one out for now. and not say too much to her. the girl at the end of the street is still breaking my heart to this day.


30.APR.2002
i am getting old. i woke up early this morning to go for a bike ride along the lake. but i couldn't pedal. i'd forgotten how. so i sat in the driveway and watched the fog lift. like the time i tripped and fell on my way to school in the fourth grade.


29.APR.2002
oh geez. i forgot to put the dogs out this morning when i left for work. when i get home, the house is going to be in shambles. i'll never do that again.


28.APR.2002
will it always feel like this? i don't know. but as a matter of circumstance, i do what i can to make it. and if my world crumbles around me, that's okay. because if nothing else, i woke up this morning.


27.APR.2002
when i was a boy, my mother would buy me broccoli and cauliflower. but i was too young to know better. she told me that i was gifted with an uncommon heart. i think i know what she means now. but life is still hard. it hurts more than i thought it would. anyway, i need to remember that this is just a test. i will make it out alive.